it’s hard to find your core and stand up straight–especially in the midst of a storm.

Everything in my life has turned upside down in the last month.

We’re on the verge of finding out what is wrong with me.  I will probably be getting a biopsy before the end of the week; Monday at the latest.  The hope is we will rule out cancer but also check for many other things–it will be combined with a deep ultrasound.  If it’s not cancer then there is something my body has been fighting for a long long time–years. I’m inclined, given my medical history, to think it’s the latter–but that still begs the question WHAT??? And how quickly or easily will a test discover it and can we treat it?

So–we’re close to getting answers but I’m talking about losing my moorings. . .

Someone I thought was a constant in my life–a sure thing–has disappeared.  Not in a “gone” way that one can grieve and recover from. More in a things exploded and make no sense and we can talk about it later but not now way.  Thankfully my husband and mother are here and, I’m sad to realize, I’ve put more hope and love into this other person than I’ve had to give recently.  This seemed, at first glance, to come at the worst possible time in my life. In reality, it’s come at the most opportune.

I’ve had to step back and reexamine what I thought was sure in my life; I’ve had to reexamine my foundation, my bearings, my moorings, my journey–everything.  And I’m good

The twins made me doubt myself–not them, but their arrival.  It was out of my control completely–and their emergency preemie c-section left me doubting myself and my ability to care for them and for everyone and for everything.  As I’ve gotten back on my feet I went on auto pilot and was doing everything I could that I used to do.  But that meant I needed more help–help with my children and life to be there for everyone else. Out of order.  I’ve been afraid I wouldn’t be able to really be the mom of five including twins that I desired to be–that they needed me to be. I knew I could be there for everyone else, but for two children who almost died and I couldn’t even carry them to term? How could I hope to parent them well?

This week has been spent living in order.  Godly order.  I’ve tended more to my family than friends or other obligations. I’ve found time to confidently do all my work responsibilities without feeling guilty I was taking time away from this, that or the other.  I’ve spent less time on the phone and more time homeschooling my children. Less time online and more time living.  And, I’m proud to announce, I CAN care for these children. I saw them through that time, held their hand, prayed them through procedures and surgeries, and I can parent them today and with anything that life throws at us!

So, ultimately, I owe a great deal of thanks to someone in my life for what I at first thought I might not recover from.  By having to reexamine my life I’ve realized how out of order I was. And had the chance to correct this. I’m refocused, and excited. What was scaring me, is now invigorating me.  I’m not sure where they will fit in my life from now on.  I guess one risk of taking a peg out of the jenga game is that when things fall they don’t get built back in the same way.  Pegs end up in different places. They play different roles.

But while God doesn’t promise us everything will be happy, or that we won’t face problems, God really does work all things together for good.