PRAISE THE LORD!

Just in case anyone thinks that I’m always this hippie-like calm person who wears only flowy skirts and dances in the flower fields with my children all day in utter blissful peace, let me put that myth to rest *giggle*

While the age of 3.5 has some amazing joy attached to it, if there were any one stage of parenting that I’d like to skip this would be it. Just put me in a coma when they hit 3.5 and wake me right before their 4th birthday

I can totally handle with confidence and clarity the question being asked by the 2yo. “How much power do I have over myself?”  Answer: Sweetie, you have as much power as you want within the realm of limited choices.

But the question asked by the 3.5 yo is, “How much power do I have over YOU!”  And, to be perfectly honest, the answer to this is not as easy for me.  And it’s not for a simple reason either.

Partly it’s because I got a confusing answer when I was 3.5. Not a bad answer, or a wrong answer, but an answer that was unclear to *me* and who I am.  Partly it’s because as things changed in my mother’s parenting style she went into a place of greater understanding of parenting theory but less understanding of tools–we’ve talked about how much my parents wish my books were available to them when they were raising us *crying*  I just assure them I had to go through what we went through together so that God could get me to the place of being able to write them

And party because I came to learn about boundaries in my mid-20’s.  And boundaries are about learning where I end and others begin.  I actually have AMAZING and rock solid boundaries . . . but I totally melt into the AP parenting relationship with my babies and as they wean from me into being their own people the transition is not easy on me.  I love where we were, I love where we always end up   It’s the getting there that is difficult.

I don’t handle transition well; transitions, by their very nature, involve chaos.  But I also want my answers to be VERY CLEAR to my children.  So it isn’t that I don’t know how much power they have over me (ummm NONE ) it’s that conveying this message in a way that is both kind and firm requires being, instead, FIRM and KIND.  In that order.

Now I have to parent Liam from that place all the time–it’s the nature of his autism and his need for the world to be black and white.

But the other children all do best under the kind and firm dynamic, and when I have to switch gears with them for 6 months and be firm and kind as a general rule I falter.  I want to be kind and firm; I *am* that person (not in a hippie way but that’s just who I am–laid back, sanguine, abstract random, ENFP, whatever test you use to understand me ).  Being FIRM and KIND is exhausting.

3.5 yo’s need firm structure and routine–two things that do NOT come easy to me

3.5 yo’s need FIRM and KIND (the reverse of my natural response)

3.5 yo’s are not fully understanding that their wants are not their needs–but giving them their wants as if they are needs confuses them–so saying NO is *vital* to them moving THROUGH this stage with the understanding that their wants are not their needs.

And . . . this last journey for me through 3.5 has been with TWINS!  Which means multiplying all these issues out exponentially (just like the laundry )

So I want to assure everyone who is struggling with being GBD with a 3.5 yo.  The first and second time I went through it I thought I’d have to go back to everyone I’d been sharing theory and tools with and apologize   But then they got older.  And as they continue to get older, and each one moves firmly into the second stage of the GBD window (and I now have one in the 3rd stage! and another who is making that transition) I am more and more confident that GBD is the ONLY way to keep relationship in tact while providing a child going through this transition what they need to thrive on the other side of it.  I’m also convinced that this is the stage where too many adults are stuck in their development–and they continue to operate from a place of asking this question for the rest of their lives.

See, some children are told they have all power over themselves, and others (one of the greatest dangers I see with TCS/NCP)

Some children are told they have NO power over themselves, or others (the greatest danger with punitive approaches)

The person operating from a place of health and wholeness moves out of this phase with a foundation for the understanding (that will increase as they mature) that the only way to have power is to take responsibility.  We have power over ourselves because we are responsible for our choices and actions.  We only have power over others when we are responsible for their choices and actions (which is why parents have authority given from God to do their job).  As children grow they NEED to take the responsibility that allows them to take the power they need to have as healthy functioning adults.

Without it we get people who want power without responsibility and become tyrants; people who have no power and are victims; people who look like they have responsibility but it really comes from a place of having no power; all sorts of dynamics that people hopefully turn to counseling to move out of.

And 3.5 marks the beginning of the turning over of the reigns of responsibility.  When you can’t control me, you have to start taking responsibility for the choices you make.  When I won’t allow you to blame me for your unhappiness, you have to wrestle with why you are unhappy. When I won’t cave to demands, no matter how they are issued, you have to move to a place where you want to learn healthy communication.  Not getting your way lays the foundation for developing patience. Not getting your way leads to maturing and learning very organically what so many punitive experts feel they have to force too early upon children–you are NOT the center of the universe.

And, yet, never getting your way isn’t right either.  So I have to decide, because I have the authority and the responsibility that comes with this position of Mother, not to withhold blessings and wishes and wants just because they haven’t fully learned those lessons. Forcing them removes the organic learning that going through has for them.  I just have to make sure I strike the proper balance between doing what is good and right and kind just because it is good and right and kind–regardless of their behavior (while also insisting that they adjust their behavior–we do a LOT of scripting and do-overs because I won’t give it to them while they are acting tyrranical )–and saying no because being being firm is the good, right and kind thing to do in that situation.

As the bubbies turn 4 in less than 2 weeks . . . I will say I’m glad to leave this stage behind.  I already feel my internal peace returning.  I feel my joy rising. I feel my enjoyment gaining.  I’m able to return to the mom I organically am.