Hanukkah Oh Hanukkah

Come Light the Menorahs

Let’s have a party!

We’ll all dance the hora

Gather round the table

We’ll give you a treat!

I’m an oldest–I know, I know, shocking   So I have never been a middle child. I’ve heard a lot about MCS but in typical oldest fashion I’ve thought, “Oh, get over yourselves–you took the spotlight away from somebody else so now it’s your turn”  

And I never really noticed this with my daughter but I’m now wondering if that wasn’t because they were still so young when the twins were born and/or if it had to do with her being the only daughter and so having a very special and marked place in our family dynamics.

But when the twins were born my second son became, literally overnight, a middle child–with an older brother and sister, and two younger brothers.  I started to be concerned about the phenomenon I’d heard about and how it might affect him.  Then throw in the triple wammy–oldest brother has autism and can’t be the neurotypical older brother most younger brothers get to tag around with and the two younger brothers are TWINS who get a ton of attention *smacks head* and who tag team him just like they do everyone and everything else in life.

And what you get is . . . full-fledged Middle Child Syndrome.  At least that has been diagnosed and confirmed by all of the middle children who are grown now but remember full well (and still struggle with) their middle child experience that we know.  So with my official diagnoses I have started to wonder what on earth I, an oldest, and dh, a youngest (by 9 years to his next older brother) can possibly do to help our son through this.

Some of the things we are doing include talking to his older brother and, especially, sister about who he is, what he needs and WHY we believe he is acting this way. His older brother is trying harder, and we’re catching things even more quickly since they are at similar developmental stages that involve “he came towards me pretending to hit me which means he IS hitting me” AAAK.  His older sister has an amazing gift of compassion and responded, “Oh, THAT is why he does this and this and this. How can I help?” We talked about his love language being quality time and attention and that when he says everyone hates him it’s because he doesn’t *feel* loved–that if the choice is between taking a few minutes to play a round of Sorry (one of his favorite games) or playing tennis with him on Wii (our holiday gift from my parents) and watching tv she can take the healthier more positive choice of playing with him. She thought that was a good idea.  And we talked about how she can turn down requests with, “I love you and I want to spend time with you. Right now I’m doing X. I can join you . . . “  She needs reminders still but she wants to do it so she’s doing well at it

And I’ve been talking with him.  His love language really is quailty time and attention because the child will sit for hours and cuddle me while I play games on the computer and he doesn’t even really want to play, just to cuddle me.  Half the time I’d have stopped playing long before but I am so enjoying the calm, sweet moments with him and all we get to talk about together during that time

I’ve been intentional about validating his feelings a lot, and reassuring him of our love for him. I’ve been talking to him about the stage the bubbies are in and reminding him how he was at that stage.  “I WAS???”  Yeah, I warned him someday that would come back to bite him

And I’ve been blessed to have a dear friend who keeps reminding me if I ever need to have one less child she’d be thrilled to have ds2 all the time   She knows I’d never even think of giving up a child so don’t think for a second she is serious, but she has no children and really connects with ds2 because he reminds her of herself when she was younger. Seeing what an amazing woman she has become inspires me to make sure he has every chance possible to become the awesome and amazing man I know God has created him to be!

Lots of people ask how we find time for all of our children or if we ever feel like we can’t give them all what they need with regards to time, attention, etc.  My answer is–we find the time because we are parents–that is our job requirement and we have to–not doing it isn’t an option for us.  We also happen to enjoy it immensely which is why we have so many children   As for giving them all they need–thank God he made them all different and what they need and how much of different things varies by child. Somehow we are figuring out the dance our family needs to dance to keep going and as long as we live intentionally we seem to do pretty good

Oh, and with all the intentional effort to help him find, understand, and appreciate his placement in our family, ds2 is calming down and beginning to thrive again.  Definitely worth the effort

PRAISE THE LORD!

Just in case anyone thinks that I’m always this hippie-like calm person who wears only flowy skirts and dances in the flower fields with my children all day in utter blissful peace, let me put that myth to rest *giggle*

While the age of 3.5 has some amazing joy attached to it, if there were any one stage of parenting that I’d like to skip this would be it. Just put me in a coma when they hit 3.5 and wake me right before their 4th birthday

I can totally handle with confidence and clarity the question being asked by the 2yo. “How much power do I have over myself?”  Answer: Sweetie, you have as much power as you want within the realm of limited choices.

But the question asked by the 3.5 yo is, “How much power do I have over YOU!”  And, to be perfectly honest, the answer to this is not as easy for me.  And it’s not for a simple reason either.

Partly it’s because I got a confusing answer when I was 3.5. Not a bad answer, or a wrong answer, but an answer that was unclear to *me* and who I am.  Partly it’s because as things changed in my mother’s parenting style she went into a place of greater understanding of parenting theory but less understanding of tools–we’ve talked about how much my parents wish my books were available to them when they were raising us *crying*  I just assure them I had to go through what we went through together so that God could get me to the place of being able to write them

And party because I came to learn about boundaries in my mid-20’s.  And boundaries are about learning where I end and others begin.  I actually have AMAZING and rock solid boundaries . . . but I totally melt into the AP parenting relationship with my babies and as they wean from me into being their own people the transition is not easy on me.  I love where we were, I love where we always end up   It’s the getting there that is difficult.

I don’t handle transition well; transitions, by their very nature, involve chaos.  But I also want my answers to be VERY CLEAR to my children.  So it isn’t that I don’t know how much power they have over me (ummm NONE ) it’s that conveying this message in a way that is both kind and firm requires being, instead, FIRM and KIND.  In that order.

Now I have to parent Liam from that place all the time–it’s the nature of his autism and his need for the world to be black and white.

But the other children all do best under the kind and firm dynamic, and when I have to switch gears with them for 6 months and be firm and kind as a general rule I falter.  I want to be kind and firm; I *am* that person (not in a hippie way but that’s just who I am–laid back, sanguine, abstract random, ENFP, whatever test you use to understand me ).  Being FIRM and KIND is exhausting.

3.5 yo’s need firm structure and routine–two things that do NOT come easy to me

3.5 yo’s need FIRM and KIND (the reverse of my natural response)

3.5 yo’s are not fully understanding that their wants are not their needs–but giving them their wants as if they are needs confuses them–so saying NO is *vital* to them moving THROUGH this stage with the understanding that their wants are not their needs.

And . . . this last journey for me through 3.5 has been with TWINS!  Which means multiplying all these issues out exponentially (just like the laundry )

So I want to assure everyone who is struggling with being GBD with a 3.5 yo.  The first and second time I went through it I thought I’d have to go back to everyone I’d been sharing theory and tools with and apologize   But then they got older.  And as they continue to get older, and each one moves firmly into the second stage of the GBD window (and I now have one in the 3rd stage! and another who is making that transition) I am more and more confident that GBD is the ONLY way to keep relationship in tact while providing a child going through this transition what they need to thrive on the other side of it.  I’m also convinced that this is the stage where too many adults are stuck in their development–and they continue to operate from a place of asking this question for the rest of their lives.

See, some children are told they have all power over themselves, and others (one of the greatest dangers I see with TCS/NCP)

Some children are told they have NO power over themselves, or others (the greatest danger with punitive approaches)

The person operating from a place of health and wholeness moves out of this phase with a foundation for the understanding (that will increase as they mature) that the only way to have power is to take responsibility.  We have power over ourselves because we are responsible for our choices and actions.  We only have power over others when we are responsible for their choices and actions (which is why parents have authority given from God to do their job).  As children grow they NEED to take the responsibility that allows them to take the power they need to have as healthy functioning adults.

Without it we get people who want power without responsibility and become tyrants; people who have no power and are victims; people who look like they have responsibility but it really comes from a place of having no power; all sorts of dynamics that people hopefully turn to counseling to move out of.

And 3.5 marks the beginning of the turning over of the reigns of responsibility.  When you can’t control me, you have to start taking responsibility for the choices you make.  When I won’t allow you to blame me for your unhappiness, you have to wrestle with why you are unhappy. When I won’t cave to demands, no matter how they are issued, you have to move to a place where you want to learn healthy communication.  Not getting your way lays the foundation for developing patience. Not getting your way leads to maturing and learning very organically what so many punitive experts feel they have to force too early upon children–you are NOT the center of the universe.

And, yet, never getting your way isn’t right either.  So I have to decide, because I have the authority and the responsibility that comes with this position of Mother, not to withhold blessings and wishes and wants just because they haven’t fully learned those lessons. Forcing them removes the organic learning that going through has for them.  I just have to make sure I strike the proper balance between doing what is good and right and kind just because it is good and right and kind–regardless of their behavior (while also insisting that they adjust their behavior–we do a LOT of scripting and do-overs because I won’t give it to them while they are acting tyrranical )–and saying no because being being firm is the good, right and kind thing to do in that situation.

As the bubbies turn 4 in less than 2 weeks . . . I will say I’m glad to leave this stage behind.  I already feel my internal peace returning.  I feel my joy rising. I feel my enjoyment gaining.  I’m able to return to the mom I organically am.

Chronotebook

WOW!  Mine’s been ordered and is on the way.  God is good and I have learned over and over to trust him–where he leads, I follow, and when I give my chaos to Him HE orders it.

The last two years have been an intense search for order in the chaos that my life became with the pg and birth of twins.  My top three books, in this order as reading them in this order is what developed my understanding and plan, are:

Too Much Stuff: Decluttering your heart and home

Organizing From The Inside Out

and

Organizing For The Creative Mind

The last one was a HUGE eyeopener to me as I am SO right brained I actually prefer intuition as a basis for decisions over empirical data   And one of the things that really hit me was how I see life circularly, not linearly.  Now a whole nother post is how Hebraic thought is circular and horizontal while Greek thought is linear and chronological and all the issues I have with study in the church coming from a perspective not inherent in Scripture . . . but this is about organizing (though it’s also about chaos and I believe that is a big source of the chaos of doctrines that has resulted in thousands of denominations).

I learned about mind mapping–rather than lists this is the idea of putting your goal at the center of a page and then creating arms out of it the way your brain tells you to order them of the things needed to achieve that goal, and then the details of each of those things branches off of those things.  I created three mind maps–one for homelife, one for homeschooling, and one for pastoring and I was able to *see* how they integrated instead of feeling that they were always in competition for my time!

So I’ve wanted to figure out how to make, or find, a calendar that was circular.   I DO NOT view time linearly. NOT AT ALL.  I’ve learned how to use a daytimer so that I don’t forget things, but it DOES NOT organize me or my time.  And I’m sure there is a way to create this on the computer, but I do not have the computer skills to accomplish that either (in fact, if I were designing the Chronotebook the only change I’d make is that I’d put the 12 at the bottom and express that my day starts around 6 am with the highest energy and then “drains” as it goes down to noon and I have to muster the energy to move back up to 6pm after which my evening begins–and sleep is about *gaining* energy).

So I open up my final issue of Martha Stewart’s Living (since I didn’t renew it for another year) and I got the greatest gift from her for the holidays–an article about daytimers.  Just a short one pager with some thoughts from the author and pictures of daytimers/notebooks used for organizing.  And #1 on the list . . . Muji’s Chronotebook!

IMMEDIATELY upon looking at it the mind mapping of a day formed in my head around the center timepiece. I felt a sense of order, calm and peace.  I felt zen

Every year I get a word or a concept from the Lord around the end of December that is the word for my family for the coming year–it prepares and focuses me. The year Fiona was born, for example, the word was “abundance” and we had an abundance of blessings and challenges that year.  For 2009 the Lord made it clear that our family needed Shalom, peace, calm, order, and beauty infused into our daily lives.

We are reinstituting our daily formal tea.

I will be spending this next week while we’re taking a break from school to declutter with a vengeance.  During the month of Hanukkah and  Christmas when we have all the decorations out, presents stored everywhere I can get to in my room to store things, and less room to live, I start looking around even more intently at what we simply do not need.

As I declutter I will be evaluating how well things we have are being utilized and if we can use them differently and/or find something else for what we’re currently using that for.

And I will get my Chronotebook and start to order my days in a way that my soul can best express itself.  I’m so very excited.

9 years ago today I labored through the night and into the morning, then things slowed. So I rested and then they started again.  Then I labored through the day until things slowed again.  Dilated to 8 cm I took a nap while I worried you were going to tarry and go another day (or more!) Then labor kicked in again and by evening I was holding my amazing first, and only, daughter.

You did not make a normal entrance–as I labored in the tub surrounded by the women in my life who brought it special meaning, I cried out to God and told him I needed my baby! My midwife agreed, “You heard her, God, she wants her baby!” and then you shot out and into the water like a torpedo!  Everyone jumped and we all had to watch it later on video because, thank the Lord, my friend working the video camera jumped so that the camera went directly to your entrance.

Your older brother saw you within moments and we all fell in love with you.  I still remember holding you for the first time as you lifted your neck, only moments old, to see who had come to greet you for your birth.

Your birth brought immense healing to my relationship with my own mother who was there to see you born and as she helped me through her dream birth we bonded in much needed ways.

And the journey with you as my daughter began.

I’d always feared I would not be a good mother to a daughter but you have proven me wrong.  I am so grateful that the Lord knew better for me and in praying for two years that he would grant my husband the desires of his heart (which I knew included a daughter he could someday walk down the aisle) Iwas granted the desires of my own heart.  There is never a moment I am not thankful you have blessed my life.

Your generous character is a blessing to all who know you. Your abilities at dance are amazing at even such a young age and I hope you do pursue your dreams to become a dancer.  I want to help any way I can.  Your giftings in encouragement and intercessory prayer have benefitted our family as well as countless others the Lord has prompted you in prayer to remember.  Your joy as you got glasses and saw the world clearly for the first time was inspirational.  Your beauty is breathtaking.  Your talents abound. Your love overflows.

Today my prayer is that the Lord will continue you on the path you have already set your foot firmly and that he would equip me to guide you in your journey for as long as we may make this journey together.  I hope that the shared blessings of walking together will be evenly shared, but I know the level of blessing you bring to me and I am not sure I’m up to my end of that arrangement.  May the Lord make it so!